I never really saw counseling as something for me. Growing up, it wasn’t just ignored—it was unspoken. Where I come from, struggling emotionally wasn’t something you acknowledged. You worked, you provided, you pushed forward. And if you had pain? You buried it. That was strength. Or at least, that’s what I thought.
Add in the male bravado—this unspoken code that says “be tough, stay silent”—and you’ve got a perfect storm for never making that first call. I told myself I didn’t need it. That I could handle it. That things would get better if I just kept moving. But the truth? I was angry. I wanted retribution. Carrying the load. And it just kept piling up.
Eventually, a single event took place that eventually brought me to confront this stressor. It wasn’t one moment. It was a slow, creeping realization that has been manifesting for years. I had to address this feeling and the way I was reacting to people in my space. My anger grew along with enragement. This incident kept playing over and over in my head. I was stuck in a bad movie playing the same scene over and over.
Taking that first step into counseling felt like stepping into foreign territory. I didn’t know what to expect, and honestly, I didn’t want to talk about things I had avoided for decades. But here’s the thing no one tells you: counseling doesn’t force you to change who you are. It helps you unpack who you’ve been carrying, and why. And with that comes self-actualization, a space to grow.
Over time—slowly, awkwardly—I began to feel something unfamiliar: peace. Not every day, and not in every situation, but enough to keep going. I learned that a lot of my anger came from old wounds and heavy weight on my shoulders that I took ownership of that wasn't mine. I realized I had adapted to a ritual that somehow magically happens when you become a parent. I began to understand the difference between reacting and responding.
The biggest surprise? I didn’t come out of counseling as a different person—I came out more equipped with self-discovery of who I have grown to be. Somewhere along the way, buried under expectations and roles and ritual, I had developed a suit of armor with parts of me that no one ever asked me to wear. The process helped me identify that I have matured emotionally in an intrinsic way. I could not identify when and where it happened. And truthfully, I wish I had started sooner.
To anyone out there who feels hesitant—who hears “therapy” and recoils or shuts down—I get it. I was you. But if you’re reading this and thinking maybe, then that maybe is worth listening to. You don’t have to be in crisis. You don’t have to wait until you break. You can just be curious. Just tired. Just ready for something to feel different.
There’s no perfect time to start. I was nearly 50 years in when I did—and it changed.

​Some people will tell you that counseling is something you don't need, you are too smart for it, or that it is for a different type of person than you are.  The truth is that anyone from any walk of life can benefit from counseling if they need it.  It might take seeing two or three different counselors or therapists until you find the right one to talk to (and you will know it when you see them), but don't give up!  Working in the program really helps, and you will put more tools in your toolbox, so don't quit until you and your counselor decide it's time. Those who care for/about you will support and encourage you through this process.  You must take care of yourself first to be around and care for the ones you love.  You will be glad you did!

​My 15-year-old teenage daughter was struggling to connect and ended up lying to get attention. It almost tore our family apart. I looked for counseling immediately. In that experience, she was given the tools to learn how to communicate. I became a better listener and learned to validate her feelings without compromising my responsibilities as a parent.  She is a young woman now, 19 years old. She lives independently, works, is kind, and, most importantly, realizes that how others act around her is out of her control and not a reflection of her. Our conversations are effortless, and we are unafraid to speak our truths. Oh, how I wish we had gotten counseling support before it had gotten so sad and ugly. If you are struggling, do NOT wait. I am grateful for our experience, and I genuinely believe counseling has given her a mindset way beyond her years. 

Today I wanted to take a moment to discuss trauma. I'll define what it is (and isn't), describe how it affects our brains and, as a result, our lives. Finally, I'll make some recommendations on what to do with your trauma. Strap in because I'm bringing lots of useful info. Here we go!

• Definition: 
  
  • Merriam-Webster (2023) tells us that the word trauma is Greek for 'wound'. It defines trauma as "1. An injury (such as a wound) to living tissue caused by an extrinsic agent. 2. A disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury. 3. An emotional upset. 4. An agent, force, or mechanism that causes trauma" (Merriam-Webster, 2023). These definitions speak for themselves. Whether physical or mental, a trauma is a wound. Yes, your brain and mental state can be wounded (we'll get to more on that in a moment). Many people don't even know what trauma is. I can't tell you how many times I've heard a patient tell me that they've never had the experiences that they've lived through described as trauma. So what is and isn't a trauma? Let's talk about it. 

• What It IS:
  
  • The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, 5th Edition (aka DSM-5, aka, the psychological bible) lists the following types of experiences as trauma: "exposure to war as a combatant or civilian, threatened or actual physical assault (e.g., physical attack, robbery, mugging, childhood physical abuse), threatened or actual sexual violence, being kidnapped, being taken hostage, terrorist attack, torture, incarceration as a prisoner of war, natural or human-made disasters, and severe motor vehicle accidents. For children, sexually violent events may include developmentally inappropriate sexual experiences without physical violence or injury. Medical incidents that qualify as traumatic events involve sudden, catastrophic events (e.g., waking during surgery, anaphylactic shock). Witnessed events include, but are not limited to, observing threatened or serious injury, unnatural death, physical or sexual abuse of another person due to violent assault, domestic violence, accident, war or disaster, or a medical catastrophe in one's child (e.g., a life-threatening hemorrhage). Indirect exposure through learning about an event is limited to experiences affecting close relatives or friends and experiences that are violent or accidental" (2013).

• What It AIN'T: 
  • Whew...that was a lot of information. However, I think it is important to understand what trauma is so that we don't get it confused with what it isn't. Trauma isn't everyday stress. Anything not involving an immediate threat to life or physical injury isn't considered a trauma (i.e.: breakups, loss of job) (National Library of Medicine, 2017).     

• It's Trauma and The Brain:
  • So now that we know what it is and isn't, why the hell does it seem like trauma has such a stronghold on our lives? Well, the short answer is that trauma literally changes the way your brain operates. I'll spare you the ENTIRE science lesson but feel free to see the resources section at the end of this email if you want more details. Here's the most important part: 
    
    • There's a section of your brain where your amygdala and hippocampus live (raise your hand if you just imagined hippos on a college campus...sorry...I...I got distracted). The amygdala plays a big part in controlling the 'fight, flight, or freeze' response that we all have on our factory default settings (Cleveland Clinic, 2023). The hippocampus's "largest job is to hold short-term memories and transfer them to long-term storage in our brains. It also plays a role in emotional processing, including anxiety and avoidance behaviors" (Wendt, T., Baby, M.D., D.P., 2022). When we experience trauma, the amygdala gets stuck in the 'on' position, making us feel flooded with all sorts of emotions. The hippocampus reacts by making sure you remember the trauma in as many ways as possible so that it can make sense of it all. However, since trauma is typically horrible, there is often no making sense of it,  causing our brains to go a bit haywire (Brainline, 2019). So, what does that look like? 
      
    • Symptoms: With a brain that isn't working like it normally would, there's going to be some negative effects. The DSM-5 lists intrusion symptoms such as "recurrent involuntary, and intrusive distressing memories of the event" (these are kind of like someone butting into your discussion with someone else). This can occur in the form of dreams, flashbacks, or in memories that just pop into your head without warning. Another sign of having been traumatized is avoidance of things that remind us of the trauma. Negative beliefs that make it difficult to trust others or to experience positive emotions may arise. Significant changes in how reactive we are to triggers might include irritability or angry outbursts, problems with concentration, or reckless behavior (i.e.: drug abuse or risky sexual behaviors) (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). 

• Treatment Options: Treatment is not a 'one size fits all' sort of thing. Sometimes multiple interventions are needed in order to get to a place of healing. Here are some of the interventions that are available to treat trauma: 
  
  • Psychotherapy: A licensed therapist or social worker with experience and training in treating trauma is one route. In therapy, a person can learn tools to cope with negative emotions and triggers. Therapy typically involves discussing the details of the trauma and 'making sense' of it so that your brain can heal. Types of therapy that are known to be helpful with treating trauma include but aren't limited to Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART), Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), EMDR (Eye Movement Reprocessing and Desensitization), Brain Spotting, and others. Group therapy may also be included. 
    
  • Medication Management: A licensed physician or nurse practitioner can prescribe medications known to assist with decreasing negative symptoms associated with trauma. 
    
  • Body Focused Therapies: Physiotherapy, osteopathy, massage, acupuncture, reflexology, yoga, meditation, and tai chi can all be useful in treating or coping with symptoms associated with trauma by focusing on relaxation of the body. 

I hope that this information was informative and useful. Maybe you've learned that what you or someone you know has ACTUALLY been dealing with symptoms associated with trauma instead of just having a 'bad attitude' or many of the other assumptions that we sometimes make. If so, the next step is to begin your healing. Healing is a process, and it takes time and grace. Be kind to yourselves as you embark on your own journey. 
 

Resources:

• Merriam-Webster, Incorporated. (2023). Trauma. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/trauma
• American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Disorders, 5th Edition.
• National Library of Medicine. (2017, Feb. 13). Posttraumatic Stress Disorder in the DSM-5: Controversy, Change, and Conceptual Considerations. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5371751/#:~:text=Stressful%20events%20not%20involving%20an,considered%20trauma%20in%20this%20definition
• Cleveland Clinic. (2023). Amygdala: What It Is And What It Controls. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/body/24894-amygdala 
• Wendt, T., Baby, M.D., D.P. (2022, Sept. 1). The Hippocampus: What To Know. https://www.webmd.com/brain/hippocampus-what-to-know
• BrainLine. (2019, May 6). How PTSD Affects the Brain. https://www.brainline.org/article/how-ptsd-affects-brain#:~:text=Your%20hippocampus%20is%20a%20lot,doesn't%20get%20coded%20correctly.

I felt compelled to speak on suicide today because, whether in my personal life or in my professional one, the topic seems to be unavoidable as of late. I know that you may have been there yourself or you may know someone that has been. Regardless, this is an experience that many don't always feel comfortable discussing.....aaaaaand that's the problem, in my opinion. This problem is even worse once you start breaking things down by categories and statistics. 

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) states that "suicide deaths further increased in 2022, rising from 48,183 deaths in 2021 to an estimated 49,449 deaths in 2022, an increase of approximately 2.6%". The CDC goes on to state that between 2021 and 2022, there was a 3.8% increase in suicides with women (while men still overwhelmingly make up the majority of suicides, increasing from 38,358 to 39,255), a 15.9% increase in Native Hawaiian and other Pacific Islanders, a 5.7% increase amongst Asians, and an 8.1% increase in people 65 years old and older (2023). 

An encouraging statistic, however, is that between 2021 and 2022, there has been an 8.4% decrease of suicides amongst people between the ages of 10-24 (2023). One of the contributing factors to this decrease may be education and prevention measures that are being taken in our schools. There is no doubt that the younger generation appears to be more comfortable with discussing their emotions and seeking help, compared to previous generations. Is it easy to do? No, but it clearly works. 
"The National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention and the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline suggest 5 steps to help safeguard people from the risk of suicide and support them when in crisis" (2023):

1. Ask: Sometimes the easiest and best thing that we can do is simply ask and have discussions about the topic. Don't play around with it. 'I'm worried that you're going to hurt yourself and I don't want to lose you' or 'I'm really hurting and I'm scared that I don't want to keep going anymore' are great starting points. Just say SOMETHING.   
2. Help keep them safe: It's hard to ask someone what they are thinking of using to hurt themselves, but this is necessary information so that we can help make the environment safe. Belts, rope, sheets, obvious weapons, pills, and razors are all the usual suspects but don't be afraid to think outside of the box. But sometimes the best way to make the environment safe is to...
3. Be there: Isolation and suicide are besties. The less isolated we are, the less likely we are to act on suicidal thoughts. If you THINK someone might be suicidal, don't just assume that they'll be ok. The best rule of thumb is that if they seem like they shouldn't be alone, they probably shouldn't be. 
4. Help them connect: There's lots of information out there on resources to find help. Educating ourselves or simply reaching out for help greatly increases the likelihood of surviving the wave of suicidal thoughts. Find a therapist. Call a hotline. Seek out bridges to life instead of barriers. Oh look! There's a resource coming up soon! If we slowly move the mouse towards it, we might be able to sneak up on it and click it. Go ahead and give it a try.... http://988lifeline.org/
5. Follow up: People like to know that others care. That's normal. If that friend or family member told you they need help, don't just stop being present after they get their help. These feelings resurface. Life still happens and people will ALWAYS need to know they're loved. The cool part is, once we give that gift of follow up, it tends to come back to us when we need it. A 'check-in' has never hurt anyone.  

If you are someone you are concerned about is experiencing suicidal thoughts, you can call or text 988 in order to be connected to a suicide hotline. 

Resources
 
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2023).  Provisional Suicide Deaths in the United States, 2022 | CDC Online Newsroom | CDC. 

Counseling was needed for me to heal not only my relationship but also myself. What led me to seeking help was my girlfriend. Like many others in 2020, she and I reflected on mortality and the feeling of helplessness. The difference was I felt like I was pretending to feel compassion for what everyone was going through. I began thinking of all the loss I felt in my life before the pandemic, and I was glad that the world was finally feeling the dread I’ve been feeling all the time since 2013. 2013 was the year I lost my father and other family members, some dead while others no longer communicating the way we have before. I felt alone.
 
The sadness I felt from his death began to surface again after I thought I’d moved passed it. The anger I felt from people not understanding how I was feeling began to come out as mean comments I masked as being “sarcastic.” My girlfriend and I had an honest conversation about continuing our lives together. She told me that living together she realized how emotionally unavailable I was.

The only way we could do that was if we both sought counseling. If people are hesitant about going to counseling, give it a try it will surprise you with how rewarding it is. During my counseling session, I learned that my core wound wasn’t just about losing my father or my time in the military, it came from childhood. I felt like a cliché after digging through one of the most painful memories. I have allowed myself to see the true cause of my apathy and pain. I learned I can’t save everyone, and I can’t judge everyone and everything. My way to feel is not “the right way” but a way to feel.
 
How often do you feel so low or angry in your life that you begin to affect the people around you? I’m willing to bet that it happens more often than you think. That’s what was happening to me in 2020. For me to move on with my girlfriend I needed to accept the past, not just confront it. Counseling did help me come to terms with my “flaws” and know that having them is what makes me human. The time in counseling has improved my overall well-being. I am married and living a more fulfilled life. My work on myself continues but counseling has provided me the confidence and the foundation to continue the hard work.

​Life is a journey that takes us through various ups and downs, and at times, we find ourselves standing at the crossroads of uncertainty and despair. During one such challenging period in my life, therapy emerged as a guiding light, leading me out of the depths of darkness and helping me navigate the tumultuous waters of job loss and depression. In this blog, I aim to share my personal experience of how therapy transformed my life, providing hope and healing when I needed it the most.

The Unexpected Blow: 
Losing a job can be a devastating experience that shakes the very foundation of our lives. It not only affects our financial stability but also takes an immense toll on our emotional well-being. When I found myself in the midst of this overwhelming situation, feelings of anxiety, self-doubt, and hopelessness engulfed me. I sank into a deep state of depression, unsure of how to move forward and fearing an uncertain future. Amidst the darkness, I decided to seek professional help and embarked on a therapeutic journey. Therapy became my sanctuary, a space where I could express my emotions without judgment and receive support from someone who genuinely cared about my well-being. Through occasional sessions, my therapist provided a safe and non-judgmental environment, allowing me to explore the depths of my emotions and confront the underlying issues that contributed to my depression.  Therapy helped me peel back the layers of my emotions, allowing me to understand the complexities of my situation. Together with my therapist, I examined my beliefs, fears, and negative thought patterns that had been holding me back. We worked on reframing my perspective, fostering self-compassion, and challenging the irrational thoughts that had consumed me.

Building Resilience and Self-Awareness: As therapy progressed, I began to develop a greater sense of self-awareness. I discovered that my job loss was not a reflection of my self-worth but rather an opportunity for growth and self-discovery.  My therapist helped me identify my strengths and values, enabling me to redefine my career path and pursue opportunities aligned with my true passions.
Gradually, therapy empowered me to regain control over my life. It equipped me with coping mechanisms to manage the challenges that came my way and instilled a sense of hope within me. I rediscovered my strengths, rebuilt my self-confidence, and developed a renewed sense of purpose. With the guidance and support of therapy, I was able to emerge from the depths of depression and embrace the possibilities that lay ahead.

​Through therapy, I discovered that seeking help during times of adversity is not a sign of weakness, but rather an act of courage. It provided me with the tools to heal, grow, and transform my life. The journey was not always easy, but it was undoubtedly worth it. If you find yourself struggling with the weight of depression or any other mental health challenge, I urge you to consider reaching out for support. Therapy has the potential to be a guiding light, leading you through the darkest of times and helping you find your way back to the beauty of life. Remember, you are not alone, and there is hope even in the midst of despair.