Becoming Emotionally Available in 2020

Counseling was needed for me to heal not only my relationship but also myself. What led me to seeking help was my girlfriend. Like many others in 2020, she and I reflected on mortality and the feeling of helplessness. The difference was I felt like I was pretending to feel compassion for what everyone was going through. I began thinking of all the loss I felt in my life before the pandemic, and I was glad that the world was finally feeling the dread I’ve been feeling all the time since 2013. 2013 was the year I lost my father and other family members, some dead while others no longer communicating the way we have before. I felt alone.
 
The sadness I felt from his death began to surface again after I thought I’d moved passed it. The anger I felt from people not understanding how I was feeling began to come out as mean comments I masked as being “sarcastic.” My girlfriend and I had an honest conversation about continuing our lives together. She told me that living together she realized how emotionally unavailable I was.

The only way we could do that was if we both sought counseling. If people are hesitant about going to counseling, give it a try it will surprise you with how rewarding it is. During my counseling session, I learned that my core wound wasn’t just about losing my father or my time in the military, it came from childhood. I felt like a cliché after digging through one of the most painful memories. I have allowed myself to see the true cause of my apathy and pain. I learned I can’t save everyone, and I can’t judge everyone and everything. My way to feel is not “the right way” but a way to feel.
 
How often do you feel so low or angry in your life that you begin to affect the people around you? I’m willing to bet that it happens more often than you think. That’s what was happening to me in 2020. For me to move on with my girlfriend I needed to accept the past, not just confront it. Counseling did help me come to terms with my “flaws” and know that having them is what makes me human. The time in counseling has improved my overall well-being. I am married and living a more fulfilled life. My work on myself continues but counseling has provided me the confidence and the foundation to continue the hard work.